


You've Got Mail

by nagi_schwarz



Series: Juris Imprudence [38]
Category: Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG-1
Genre: Alternate Universe - Lawyers, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 12:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13951452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: Written for the Seven Deadly Sins comment_fic prompt: 'Stargate Multiverse, Any, "What are you doing?" "Attempting to personify sloth. G'away."'Cam Mitchell is attempting to be slothful when an unexpected email from the state bar association wakes him up.





	You've Got Mail

“What are you doing?” Vala asked. She leaned in the doorway, all curves and a smooth smirk, arms crossed over her chest.

Cam was slouched low in his chair. “Attempting to personify sloth. G’way.” He glanced at her over the top of his monitor and slouched lower.

“Check your email,” Vala said.

Cam had his email open in his browser. “I am.”

“Then refresh the window.”

Cam resisted the urge to roll his eyes, because he was an attorney, not a whiny teenager, and tapped a couple of keys, set the window to refreshing.

He nearly fell out of his chair. “Holy Hannah!”

Vala frowned, prowled closer. “Did you not get the email I sent you about those witness interviews I did?”

Cam flapped a hand at her. “No, don’t come any closer!”

Vala peered over the top of his monitor. “What?” Then she frowned. “Like I’ve never seen a pair of breasts before - Cameron, are you looking at porn? In the office?”

“No!” he yelped. He recovered enough to click away from the email - and then saw it was from the state bar association. He sat back, puzzled.

Vala was standing behind him and peering shamelessly over his shoulder. “There, see? The email I sent you.”

Cam pointed to the email one line down. “This says it’s from the state bar association.”

“Well-spotted.”

“This email is where the - the bad picture came from.”

Vala arched an eyebrow. _“Bad picture?_ Surely you’ve seen breasts before.”

“Not on my work email, and certainly not in an email from the bar.”

“It wasn’t really the bar, was it?”

“That’s what it says.” Cam gestured helplessly at the screen. Then he picked up the phone. “Lorne?”

“Sir?”

“Contact IT. We’ve had a firewall breach.”

“Yes, sir. What’s the nature of the breach?”

Cam could hear Lorne typing rapidly in the background. “Someone is sending a suspicious email that looks like it’s from the state bar -”

“It’s actually from the state bar,” Vala said. She’d managed to disable the images in the email altogether. “See? The actual listserv address for all licensed members of the bar.”

“Then the bar’s been hacked,” Cam said. “Contact IT, contact the state bar office, and send an email to every attorney in the firm warning them not to open the email about the spring conference.”

“Yes, sir,” Lorne said, as respectful as any subordinate officer, and hung up.

A dozen emails poured into Cam’s inbox.

From Weir: _DO NOT OPEN THE EMAIL FROM THE STATE BAR_ was the subject line. There was no actual email content.

From O’Neill: _Skip the bar email, folks._

From Woolsey: _Do not open this._ He’d forwarded the email.

From Ronon: _opened the bar email in the middle of a meeting by mistake DON’T DO IT_

From Teyla: _the bar email contains inappropriate content. Delete without reading._

From Anne: _Bar email BAD. Heads will roll._

From Laura: _Think it’s a career-suicide send off from someone on their last day?_

From Sam: _Think it’s revenge porn?_

From Janet: _No. Too airbrushed. Hair’s styled. Professional lighting._

From Carson: _You looked at that picture very closely._

From Jonas: _Could be a typo. Images were linked, not attached._

From Rodney: _No. Not a typo. Someone was looking at something they shouldn’t have been while they prepped the email._

From John: _Good thing no clients were standing behind me when that came in._

From Daniel: _The look on Judge H’s face when he opened that email in court in between hearings with an entire audience of public observers._ He’d attached a slightly blurry but sneaky photo of a pale-faced man in a black judicial robe.

Vala read every single email and laughed. She was also texting on her phone. Judging by the laughter drifting out of the bullpen, she was texting the other paralegals and support staff.

Cam’s intercom clicked on.

“Sir?”

It was Lorne.

“Yes?”

“I emailed IT. They’re aware of the situation and they’re shoring up our firewalls. I also notified the bar association.”

As if on cue, an email appeared in Cam’s inbox from the state bar association.

_Apparently we have an email sent that has an offensive image on it. We deeply apologize for this and are investigating the cause._

“Thanks,” Cam said to Lorne.

Vala, still reading shamelessly over Cam’s shoulder, said, “Too late.”

And then Cam’s coworkers weighed in.

_Breasts aren’t offensive._

_Seen worse representing sex offenders._

_As if most of us don’t know what they look like._

_Even if they’re not offensive, that’s still not appropriate for work._

_Especially for those of us who work with children._

More emails flew back and forth.

Vala said, “Are you going to look at those reports I sent you?”

Cam said, “Did you miss the part where I was attempting to personify sloth?”

“Too late.” Vala perched on the edge of his desk. “You blew your cover with how quickly you responded to that disappointing and un-scandalous email.”

“Fine.” Cam sighed. “Let’s talk about those witness interviews.”

He ended up working late into the evening, late enough that Lorne ordered him dinner from his favorite Chinese takeout place before he left, late enough that he caught the evening news and saw the whole scandal about the _inappropriate bar email._

He laughed. He fielded text messages from his brother and cousins and old Air Force friends. Yes, he’d gotten the email. No, he couldn’t show it to them - he’d deleted it. No, it wasn’t anything wild, but it was still inappropriate for the workplace.

Cam finished his food, finished reading his reports, and dragged himself off home to bed.

The next day, the monthly court news email landed in his inbox. It conspicuously had no mention of the scandalous email from yesterday.

According to emails from Cam’s brother and cousins and old Air Force friends, the story had been picked up on the national news, and some lawyers had weighed in with sassy tweets on Twitter.

More joking emails went back and forth between the lawyers.

And one not-so-joking email from Daniel: _Has anyone seen Nathan?_


End file.
